WASHINGTON, DC, August 7, 2006 -- Legislation that would strengthen the rights and protections for some 120 million internet bloggers passed the U.S. Senate today. Offered by Senator Jeffrey Jarvis (D-NJ) and Senator David Searls (OS-CA), the National Disambiguation Act was accepted as an amendment to the Fiscal Year 2007 National Defense Authorization Act. It cleared the Senate 49-47.
"This is a major victory for advocates of Internet Transparency," said Senator Jarvis. "Anonymous criticism, that's been the scourge of the blogging community, is now history."
The National Disambiguation Act creates a national identity database. In addition to Social Security Number, a thorough profile of all net citizens will be compiled and maintained. It will include professional credentials, professional and personal associations and complete financials. This information will be available on demand by anyone in any transaction whatsoever. Ultimately, equality is achieved by handicapping the most intelligent, athletic or beautiful members of society down to the level of the lowest common denominator. This will be overseen by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Office of the Handicapper General.
Pictured right is Sally the goat. Apparently, she's smiling. We have it on a reliable source that it has something to do with the weblog "Media Orchard" and its micro-celebrity author Scott Baradell, APR. (Note: Scott is an accredited member of Public Relations Society of America.)
For the record, our conclusion comes only after rigorously applying some best skills of deduction and analysis the web has to offer. Here's what we've learned thus far:
Last April, Scott went on a "dream honeymoon" with his first wife Cathy (left). They visited Positano, Italy where in Scott's words, "We overlooked the bay from the Hotel Marincanto, which is built into the cliffs; even the Jacuzzi hung over the shore below." In the subsequent honeymoon pictures that Strumpette was able to obtain, Scott's first wife displays an almost identical expression to that of... Sally the goat.
There's more. Scott has also been known to write about, and cavort with, none other that Edelman PR's Mike Krempasky (right). That, in and of itself, is damning. First off, Edelman, one of the largest PR firms in the world, is known for employing professional goats almost exclusively. Furthermore, after various scientific photographic tests, we were able to confirm a 94.3 percent probable match. It is with statistical certainty that Krempasky's smile is that of... Sally the goat.
Coincidence? We don't think so. But, although armed to the teeth with indisputable blog "evidence," we've sat on this story for months. Well, that is until now. Finally, we have the smoking gun. We can now prove our accusation beyond a shadow of a doubt. Scott Baradell, APR has been recently dallying with renowned internet muckraker and gadfly, Ron May. It is widely known that Mr. May fellates goats. Ergo...
On Thursday, March 8, 2007 at 7:41 AM, Ronn Torossian, President and CEO of 5WPR, emphatically promised that he was going to sue us. No real reason, he was just irritated by our teasing him about getting in bed with pornographer Joe Francis. Anyway, Ronn gave his obscenity-laced word that we'd see the complaint in 72 hours. It's now late by
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