Talking to My Cats: 01-15-08

The sturm und drang, or rather the lack thereof, over the Mitchell Report on major baseball players' use of "performance enhancing substances" is a case study on how not to handle a PR crisis. Even if, as in this case, the crisis is largely imaginary, except in the outraged minds of pencil neck geek sportswriters. (There is no other kind sportswriter, so pardon my redundancy.)

The pencil neck geeks are in high dudgeon because that's their job, but mostly because they resent the hell out of pro athletes who get paid wheelbarrows full of money to play games geeks can't. The scribes of the toy department see themselves as educated journalists who really know their way around a semi-colon and might even have read Proust. Yet, they don't make diddly compared to these testosterone-laden freaks that barely finished high school.

Talking to My Cats: 01-01-08

I have mixed feelings about this time of year. While many are enjoying the holidays and looking forward (or dreading) the new year, I'm having flashbacks. Not that kind of flashback, just an unpleasant little memory I'll probably never be able to shake.

You see, the Top Ten PR Blunders of the Year just came out. It includes FEMA's fake press conference, the Aqua Teen Hunger Force viral promotion/terrorist scare, and the White House's inept attempts to hide the rather unsurprising disclosure that Dick Chaney is one of the undead.

I have little sympathy for those who made the decisions that led to these PR fiascoes. My heart goes out, though, to the poor bastards who have to clean up the mess. About a decade ago, I got quoted in The Wall Street Journal, having had a front row seat at one of the Top Ten PR Blunders. At the time, it wasn't pretty. In retrospect, it's pretty ridiculous.

Thanks to that misbegotten company, there's now a notation in every HR person's head, if not in every corporate HR manual: Never fire anyone on "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

Talking to My Cats: 12-18-07

Dear Readers:

In the spirit of the season, I'm sharing our family's annual holiday letter below. Enjoy!

Wow, this year has been a blur! It seems like only yesterday we were celebrating the holiday season and now it's come around again! Whew!

Our family certainly has a great deal for which to be grateful; including the plea agreement our attorneys negotiated that kept Dad out of jail once again. It's community service time again, but he's used to it - he already knows where they keep the mops down at the Drop-In Center.

Junior continues to prove he's a chip off the old block, the little dickens! Now that he's reached the grand old age of 21, he's become a regular at the local gentlemen's club and a connoisseur of the dance. (The lap dance, that is!)

We're also grateful they lifted the restraining order on Uncle Carl, who is now once again free to pursue his dream girl. Also YouTube finally took down that embarrassing and probably fake confession someone posted.

Jimmy's almost totally over the deprogramming we arranged for him after he was rescued from that awful cult. (Who knew Republicans could be so fanatical?) He says he doesn't resent us and makes a very strong case for being let out of the house unescorted. Maybe next year, Jimmy!

My sister's kids also appear to be completely recovered from the injuries sustained in last month's tragic trampling by their fellow Hanna Montana fans. They've taken our little jokes about their achy-breaky bones pretty much in stride.

Talking to My Cats: 12-10-07

It's awards season. (Yay!) At least once a day at this time of year we "communications professionals" receive e-mail invitations to submit our best (read: flashiest) recent work in hopes of winning prestigious awards (read: any awards). Every now and then, we'll even get an actual physical "invitation" in what I refuse to call "snail mail." (Comparing the USPS to snails is an insult to snails.)

My favorite invitation this year was actually messengered to the office by the local Ad Club. It came on a hanger inside a dry cleaner's bag and contained a poster-sized illustration of a pair of pants. Bursting out of the pants' waist and zipper regions are photos of various people celebrating in various festive ways. The theme of this year's awards is "Party in Our Pants." (Get it?)

Now, let's set aside the actual cost of this invitation, albeit much of it provided pro bono by a local printer and ad agency. You can almost picture the bored creatives brainstorming this beauty, or dusting off a discarded concept that no real client would ever greenlight. You can be sure it has already been set aside for entry in next year's Addy Awards "Best Feverishly Clever Awards Invitation" category.

I've entered the competition myself, of course. Because no matter how many times we all might aver that "it's not about the awards, it's about the results," it's about the awards.