Before we begin, it is critical to resolve whether you're interested in hiring a large agency or a small firm. Well, for the record, size matters. Big money attracts money. Keep in mind, the reason you're hiring a firm to begin with is to outsource the headaches but also to leverage their economies of scale.

More importantly, the most significant benefit you'll ever get out of a PR firms is its top-line market "influence," e.g. who knows who at Morgan Stanley, can you get me a meeting with Tom DeLay, how about tickets to the playoffs, etc. The "publicity stuff," well, any chatty idiot can do that. It is the stuff of fill and ego strokes. We advise strongly that you avoid that trap and focus on the agencies that may actually have the potential to increase shareholder value.

That said, here's how to hire a PR Firm:

1. Let them smell the cash. Pull together an RFP and tell them you've got a HUGE budget.

For the record, here is some guidance regarding what constitutes "huge" today:

- Under $50,000, forgetaboutit. Better to put it on the conference room table and burn it. Then at least you'll get some light and heat. Seriously, keep your money in your pocket.
- On around $100,000, you've got their attention. But just so you know, this puts you in coach class. An attendant will be by in a while with your soft drink and maybe an extra bag of beer nuts; that's if she likes you.
- Greater than $200,000, they've got a chubby with your name on it. (CAUTION: with certain agencies increased salivation may ensue.) Certainly, a $200,000 or better budget will lead to an invite to the Managing Director's country club (once). This is the "dinner and a movie" before you get schtupped.
- $500,000 or better, they're on Viagra and you're Jessica Alba in nothing more than a skimpy black cocktail dress and lip gloss. They're pole-vaulting to please you. You're getting a personal call from their CEO. He's like an uncle to you (that creepy uncle).

2. Pack the dog-and-pony show. The more people you have in the presentation, the more they will take you serious. Hire actors if you have to. This sets the stage for a little professional intimidation.

With regard to time, indeed this may take a day away from your people. But you should consider it a "group building" experience. Think field trip with free food, a show and a few laughs. Besides, it just may yield some rough creative ideas. And remember, no matter what they tell you, the agency cannot copyright an idea.

3. Nail them on specific expectations. Be ready to ask the tough questions. Forget case histories. The account team or person responsible for them is long gone. Press them on: "What are you going to do exactly and when?" and "How's that going to sell more dog food?"

4. Pay a few bucks to hire a private investigator. Look especially for any lawsuits with former clients and/or employees. Trust me, you are sure to find some.

Then schedule a private meeting with the agency's lead dog. Now don't make him cry. The object is just to get him to show his "monkey butt" (natural sign of submission). End the meeting on a hopeful note. Give him a pat on the back and say, "Ya know Mort... I think I'm going to like you. I think we can do bidness."

5. Let them stew. Give it at least a week of abject silence. By then "Mort" will have told everyone, including the wife and that idiot brother-in-law, that he's certain he's hit the mother load. That then is an opportunity for you to scale back the budget. You own 'em.

6. Now pick the most hungry, NOT the most greedy. The hungry agency will go far in the way of self humiliation on your behalf. A greedy agency will think of themselves first and foremost. You don't want that.

7. Have your general counsel streamline the separation clause. You'll note in their contract, most agencies have it built in that in case they need to ditch over water, their seat cushion will turn into a floatation device. Well, you're paying for that. You shouldn't. Don't.

8. Minimize frontend costs. Agencies will notoriously tell you that the account is frontend loaded with regard to billing, i.e. setup incidentals, preliminary research, communications audit, boilerplates, training, etc. By and large, that's crap. They're trying to quickly earn back some of the money they put out for the dog-and-pony show. They also anticipate a relatively short engagement and want to make their money as quickly as possible.

9. Stay on their ass and challenge every line item on the bill. That junket conference little Jenny went to had zero to do with the account and you should dispute the charge, so too $2,872.55 for fax and copying expenses, let alone the $23,578 charge for media relations where you got squat.

10. Make sure you get copies of all creative and work product. When you fire them (not if but when), you need to have the next team in place and ready to hit the ground running. Don't expect that the former agency is going to be the effervescent/cooperative agency that you met during the dog-and-pony show. (Note to the CEO: think of your first-wife's disposition during the divorce.)

11. Lastly, be ready to fire them in a heartbeat. Don't get attached. It's just "bidness." Frankly, turnover is a good thing if you play your cards right.

CONCLUSION

This process might be hard the first time around but it gets easier. These tips will help you through it. They should also help minimize the cost.

Finally, with regard to the psychology of it all, it's very depressing. Try to remain hopeful. Somewhere out there is an agency that actually knows your business and genuinely believes in what you do. Someday you'll find her.

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