Most of the time, I've just gone by my surname and last name, telling myself it is shorter and easier. Besides, I've gotten pretty tired of dealing with it. It's bad enough suffering through all the John Wayne imitations and the crank calls from slumber parties asking if I came over on the Mayflower.

So, if you don't like being called Old Scratch, then why not change your name, you ask? It has crossed my mine a couple of million times. In the end, I feel compelled to honor my parents' decision, no matter how hastily and ill-conceived it may have been.

Despite carrying a middle name that conjures the Antichrist, I've tried to live a decent life. I like to think that I am no more evil than the next guy. I pay my taxes, drive the speed limit, and sometimes I even manage to avoid having impure thoughts. Yet, the name can be a burden.

Imagine, for example, what would happen if I ran for a national political office, such as the presidency. As a liberal Democrat, I would be instantly hated by the right wing talk show bullies, and in addition to the many questionable things I've done during my long and extinguished career, they'd repeatedly state my full name, never missing a chance to put extra emphasis on the "Satan" part.

The implication that I am, in fact, the Archfiend, would be aimed at the distressingly large numbers of dittoheads who religiously follow the wingnuts, as well as the knee jerk fundamentalist Christians who are absolutely convinced the Serpent is actively undermining their every thought and action.

Instead of considering my exciting new approach, my multi-point policies, my plans to change Washington politics, my inspiring gift of oratory, and well let's face it, my amazing charisma, it would all be lost on the great unwashed. A depressingly sizable percentage of the American electorate is largely uninformed, and uninterested in anything more challenging than American Gladiator.

Now, I can totally understand how someone who actually knows me might be disinclined to vote for me to become leader of the free world. But if voters turned to my opponent strictly on the basis of my last name, that would be a damned shame.

Who really cares what a president's middle name is anyway? We've had a guy named Dubya in the job for eight years. There's also been a Fitzgerald, a Baines, and even a Delano. Why not someone such as Bruce "The Father of Lies" Pilgrim?

As for those who think they're being cute by flogging my middle name, I'll see you in hell.

Bruce Pilgrim is the CEO and janitor of Bruce Pilgrim Marketing Communications, LLC. He recently published his first book, Talking to My Cats: A Small Business Journal.