As you might recall, last May we reported that we had "Boinked More Than a Million." Well, I am thrilled to announce that this month we've broken that record and set a new personal best. According to our webmaster, Strumpette did 1.3 million hits in June. I personally serviced 32,120 unique users. Annabel Chong... eat your heart out.
Anyway, rather than another little acceptance speech thanking our fans, our supporting cast, our esteemed stable of excellent contributors, and, of course, the plethora of PR knuckleheads and self-aggrandizing social-media goofballs that work so hard ironically to amuse and inspire us... we open the kimono here to share our secret. Here's a "How To" for aspiring PR strumpettes everywhere.
Okay, one word: training. Of course, nice hair, perky boobs and a bodacious little chochie can give you a edge in this business; but make no mistake, performance at this level is all about conditioning. The intense level of unnecessary drama and shrill annoyance that is Strumpette requires strength, power, speed, and flexibility the likes of a cute pre-pubescent Russian gymnast. The boys really love that.
So, you wanna be like me? Here's how in 6 easy steps:
1. Start slowly and build up gradually. Give yourself plenty of time to warm up with easy walking or gentle stretching. Then, speed up to a pace you can continue for five to 10 minutes without getting tired. If you can't chew gum or carry on a conversation while you do this, you're probably pushing too hard. Note: As your stamina improves, DO NOT increase the amount of time you exercise. You don't wanna start looking like the one of the Williams sisters.
2. Break things up if you have to. You don't have to do all your exercise at one time. Shorter but more frequent sessions have aerobic benefits, too. Ten minutes of exercise three times a day may fit into your schedule better than a single 30-minute session. Personally, I like 5 seconds 360 times a day preferably between the hours and 11 PM and 5 AM.
3. Be creative. Maybe your workout routine includes various activities, such as walking, bicycling, rowing, sex and/or sex while rowing. But don't stop there. Count ALL activity as exercise. Opening and closing the refrigerator door, flipping the TV remote, walking to get coffee or the ladies room, moving the paper around your desk, yelling at an intern or ex-boyfriend... all count as exercise in our program.
4. Listen to your body. If you feel pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, or that gnawing twinge of existential angst... take a break. You may be pushing yourself too hard. Close your office door and close your eyes. You'll never get caught. Two things to keep in mind: they'll think you're working hard and very few people will come into your office without knocking. Also, try this: To guarantee you've got a moment to recompose yourself, put your desk on the opposite wall of the door so your chair's back faces the door. Trust me; this has saved me more than a few times.
5. Be flexible. If you're not feeling good, give yourself permission to take a day or three off. But remember, DON'T tell your boss that you're at client meetings. He'll want to see the billable time. Say you're doing new business. He'll appreciate your entrepeneurship.
6. Remember drink plenty of fluids. I cannot understate the importance of alcohol (and pharmacy) in the Strumpette Program. If you cannot do the other 5 steps, focus exclusively on this one. Frankly, you'd probably be better off.
Good luck. Don't blame me if you pull something. And lastly, when you feel you are ready and would like a shot at writing for us, contact me directly at chapel AT strumpette DOT com.