Posted by Amanda Chapel
Sensing a tectonic shift in public sentiment, from unconditional acceptance to open revulsion and revolt, the "Cardinals" of the revered Web 2.0 Internet Revolution (W2IR) met this last weekend to pick a new leader.
At a virtual Vatican in Second Life, an esteemed conclave gathered Saturday. Among the attendees were such notables as: Robert Scoble, Seth Finkelstein, Terry Heaton, Jay Rosen, Doc Searls, Dan Gillmor, Jeff Jarvis, Dave Winer, David Weinberger, J.D. Lasica, Stowe Boyd, and Christopher Locke.
It was a pseudo-solemn affair. The cardinals took their pretend seats in a pretend Sistine Chapel. Each was given a pretend paper ballot on which was written "Eligo in summum pontificem". After approximately 20 minutes, each in turn held their ballots up high indicating they had voted. Votes were then counted by web accountant Dennis Howlett and his three assistants. Keeping with high ceremony, the ballots were then burned in a pretend fire. It was then white smoke arose signaling that a new Pontifex Maximus had been elected. The conclave had selected radical blog revolutionary, "Vaspers the Grate" as their new pope.
We were able to sit down with the new web pontiff for an exclusive interview:
CHAPEL: First, congratulations your maximus.
As I am sure you are aware, this comes as a surprise to a lot of Web "experts". Were you at all expecting this?
VASPERS: Thank you. No, I wasn't expecting it at all. In RL [real life], my name is Steven Streight and I'm just a salesman for a small hosting company in Peoria. Before that I was a direct marketing copywriter; so go figure. If I had to guess, it's because I've been rather prolific lately on the Net about tele-teleo-collaboration. I'm also quite vocal about the Cluetrain Manifesto versus Corporate America Domination Systems.
CHAPEL: We'll get back to Cluetrain in a minute; but first, can you tell our readers the origin of the name, "Vaspers the Grate"?
VASPERS: Well, "vas" is a vessel or duct as in "vas deferens". "Per", of course, means "for". And to "grate" is to be "annoying". I am a vehicle of annoyance for corporate America.
CHAPEL: Ah. But wouldn't that by definition be a "troll"? Aren't the Web 2.0-ers totally against trolls?
VASPERS: No. We are against people that criticize and dispute our arguments. That's different. Take Jarvis, for instance. Jeff does a yeoman's job criticizing MSM [mainstream media]. But every so often, you see people criticize Jeff. Obviously, those people aren't adding any value to the movement.
CHAPEL: I see. While we are on the subject, you were recently quoted saying, "we become one with the machine realm because the more we interact the kinder it will be to us as it eliminates us." Can you explain that a little?
VASPERS: Oh that's easy; it' the "technological imperative". What can be made, will be made. Well, that's my prime mission as commander in the Eliquillian Army on the planet Zornob.
CHAPEL: Oh, well... that would explain the coat hangers and all the tin foil on your head. How often do you communicate with your fellow Zornobians?
VASPERS: Used to be quite frequently but my mom got mad as the long-distance charges were astronomical. Dr. Percy has me on a new medication so I probably only speak with them once or twice a month now.
CHAPEL: Well, I can see you're busy. Any last words you'd like to share with our readers?
VASPERS: Hmmmmmmm.... sure.
Blogs are the universalization of Web content, the revolutionary rise of the individual voice against corporate, government, religious, and MSM information hegemony. Cluetrain established this beyond critique or usurpation. It's too late to cry out against absolute switched-on user empowerment. It's too late to yearn for the good old days when corporate America preached a message, the same message to all, and we all obeyed and peer-pressured their message, with no feedback or questioning, and no way to caution or protect each other from their deceptions and exploitation. All domination systems are doomed by the web. We now connect compu-telepathically. We twitter and blog and wiki and joost and jaiku and haiku and nobody can stop us. We advise and console and lovingly argue blogocombatively with each other via our web communication tools. We are set free. We shall never submit to any external political tyranny, inter-personal codependency power, religion, or commercial monstrosity. Command and control is dead. Long live the "conversation" of the masses and digitalized tele-teleo-collaboration. Our revolution will overthrow the capitalist class and establish the rule of the working class majority through online democratic workers' councils. We will abolish the capitalist system of exploitation, and build a classless communist society where everything and everyone is miscellaneous.
Can I have my ice cream now? You said there'd be ice cream. Do you know how to play Zendroids?
CHAPEL: God... What's that smell?
VASPERS: Steven bad. Steven go make make.
Display comments as (Linear | Threaded)
I'd like to be added to your hate list. Seems like excellent company, full of people who aren't afraid to put ideas out there and put their names behind them. I hear the emails you send to people who disagree with you are magnificent and venemous. I'd be happy to help you grind your personal axes.
Where do I apply? Please respond as sarcastically as possible.
Thank you for writing.
With regard to your request, the people we pursue are of two basic types: 1) empty windbags who are leveraging sham all the way to the bank; and 2) losers who will perform just about any debase sexual favor in order to belong to their little clubs.
If you believe you are in either of those categories Steve, in order to consider your request, we will need 3 references and a few writing samples.
- Amanda Chapel
PS Note: Our selection process is fairly rigorous. Just because you're an asshole does not mean you are instantly selected.
Also note, using your colleague Terry Heaton as a reference might not serve you ironically. We don't respect him. We think he's a total whack job.
Not bad for a fake interview. What other fake items are you pushing? Ah I love the smell of burning Vaspers in the morning.